The Five Lost Chapters
The Five Lost Chapters are the second chapter in The Epic Quest Saga. Essentially, the whole thread is an insert in BR:2:20. The only things of consequence that happen are The Baker's courtship of Samus Aran and G-Zilla's backstory. The rest is just for fun, for that was the original purpose of the thread. The thread was started by ChosenWaffle. Canonization ChozoMufin wrote the thread into Epic Quest canon in this post: BR2:8:14 This made ALEXANDER JENKINS very, very, deeply lugubrious. So lugubrious, in fact, that he went off and killed Monstrous St. G-clayzillapimp.J McGee-Clause Jr, the Hunted Giver for her. WHO, FROM THAT POINT ON, BECAME: X-MONSTROUS ST. G-CLAYZILLAPIMP.J MCGEE-CLAUSE JR, THE HUNTED GIVER!!! Because of the great deed that he performed, on top of saving her life approximately 5 chapters ago (right before she split up, Samus being too ashamed to have her life saved by someone other than herself, after which she struck out on her own receiving, Christmas presents, and killing strange long-named monsters), Samus ran to him and hugged him, realizing that he was the only man for her. Likewise, his Mufins, too, were the only pastries for her. They went to the nearest stable, stunned the owner, and stole a horse. They rode off happily into the sunset, wedding bells ringing in their future. Just then... a mysterious time-portal opened... and the time travelling G-zilla from several pages ago appeared! He felt no REAL need to go into hiding, because his name was SO short that no one would recognize him. He then planned his escapades into the future.... ((heheheh. yup. you guessed it. awwww right i just turned this whole thread into Epic Quest canon, baby. it also explains how G-zilla came in in the Epic Sequel. All tied up. Mmmm mmm good.)) Summary The battle opens in a circular arena, with only The Waffle present, vying for the weapons on one of the arena's walls. cobalt_metroid spam's the thread, and the fight is on (BR2:1:2). A door opens dramatically, and Gunlimb falls out of it in chains, glaring. After fashioning guns where his limbs once were, he begins to fight the Waffle in mid-air. All of a sudden, ...Peter...Leslie... The waffle, injured, shoots the injury out of himself, and turns to witness it. Gunlimb's guns jam and he crashes (safely),and Barney bursts out of the ground. Barney and G-Zilla, then merely Godzilla, begin to duel. Gunlimb gets unjammed, and attacks Barney. Then ...Peter... Leslie..., and the arena turns into an enormous mouth. Godzilla eats the situation, which then gets blasted out of his stomach at high speeds. This sends everyone into a panic. Godzilla from the future comes back with thirteen of himself, and Gunlimb offers him a truce (BR2:1:12). While the Godzillas contemplate this, Gunlimb takes out two of them, and they fight. In the midst of this, Buttcheeks comes running in and gasses it up, saving Gunlimb from CERTAIN doom. It turns up that G-Zilla is Gunlimb's father, that the cake his mother, and that Gunlimb's name is actually Victor. Gunlimb, enraged at this, begins the assault again. G-Zilla throws fiery filet mignon at him in fatherly love. Suddenly, the forecast predicts FLAMING FURY, which obliterates the Waffle and everything else in its path(BR2:2:15). Gunlimb saves himself by shooting the fire. While this causes great trouble for the others, G-Zilla finds it quite delicious. EVERYTHING is interrupted by a Bunny, which G-Zilla accordingly slays. Buttcheeks eats, then poots out, G-Zilla, who is then attacked by the (now multiple) bunnies, which are then consumed by him, who then gets indigestion, which is unpleasant, at best. He then whips out his super-digest-o-ray, uses it on his own stomach, and they digest. After pooting 8/11 of them out, the fight continues, between the bunny poo, Gunlimb, and G-Zilla. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is watching the action, and buys the movie rights and produces a multi-million dollar screen play (BR2:3:8). The movie tears mid-action, causing wild protests from those watching it (BR2:3:10). The Controller of the Projector laughs maniacally, but is soon stopped by G-Zilla (BR2:3:16). The same man is then killed by a flying Rambo (BR2:3:19). A comet descends and destroys the movie theater. G-Zilla, avoiding it, explodes, spilling his Coca-Cola. The Coke, being radioactive, melts away the city, killing millions. Those same millions descend from heaven with weapons, attacking G-Zilla and Gunlimb (BR2:4:2). Gunlimb retaliates. His real limbs fall from the heavens and attach to him, but he keeps his gunlimbs too; he is now an eight-limbed freak. His catchphrase now becomes "THE CAKE IS A LIEEEE!" G-Zilla had NO IDEA that he had been conned, and committed suicide the heavenly army. Just kinda... killed himself them. (They die.) GAaL Limbs (Gunlimb's new name) then wins the Battle Royale Dos. He explains how to The Moviegoer, who, after plot censorship, understands and rides off with him into the sunset. However, their horse was actually John Wayne, who attacks Gunlimb, who kills him and the Moviegoer at once. To prevent GAaL Limbs from winning again, G-Zilla challenges him again. This causes GAaL Limbs to drown, as a random man shouts "KING ME!" John Wayne makes a comeback, kinging the man and body slamming G-Zilla. Suddenly, Chuck Norris fails and kills himself. John Wayne is then bested by G-Zilla. Jacen Solo (Author) offends G-Zilla, causing him to pout. GAaL Limbs keeps on drowning. G-Zilla then gets a gust of courage, leaves his corner, and the fight continues. After one of G-Zilla's attacks failed, he complains to THE OVERMOD, who then smacks him down. The redness of THE OVERMOD's hands gets G-Zilla into a frenzy, and he charges, continuing the fight. The corner now empty, John Wayne took over the job and also pouted in the very same corner. He then decides to make a clay sculpture of G-zilla, GAaL Limbs, and him playing duck-duck-goose (BR2:5:11). A comet smacks into G-Zilla's oversized gizzard for the sole purpose of killing him. After dying in other diverse ways, G-Zilla, Gunlimb, and John Wayne are considered dead, and their clay sculptures come to life to replace them. Boymonkey130 causes a 1337 virus to infect the world, which kills him. However, realizing. that leukemia and the cake are a lie, G-clayzilla he immediately resumes full health. (BR2:5:16) Realizing it was actually night, G-clayzilla commits DEATHICIDE with his defective watch, which grows fingers due to the radiation of the moon. G-clayzilla then requests a salamander-sex offender to rape his watch instead of his watch raping him. However, to the salamander's surprise, the mutated watch ticked him so hard that all his glumfulness seeped out, killing him. (BR2:6:1) G-clayzilla decides to enlist the help of Michael Jackson to rape his watch to death, whose sexual deviance leads him to allow the watch to rape him to death instead. However, Jackson miraculously survives the assault, molesting the clock into both correct time and homosexuality. The homosexuality and punctual timing kill the watch, which, after its death, explodes, sending a little gear into a patch of fertile potting soil. Radiation from the Underground Mole People causes the watch to grow into a huge tree that bears perverse, fingered watches. His purpose fulfilled, Michael Jackson explodes.